Friday, May 20, 2005

Telstra CEO job likely to go to Aussie Woman from Bush

The Tank has received an application for the position of CEO of Telstra.

My name is Madge Johnson and I would like to apply for the Telco CEO position that I saw advertised in The Tank.
I understand the position requires someone with a good working knowledge of how our Australian telephone system works on the ground.
We live 25 km out of Upper Timbuctta West and over the years have been required to carry out running repairs to our 1950’s wiring here at our property, ‘Gunnadooit’. In fact I’ve become a bit of a whiz with a screwdriver and soldering iron to the extent that my friends frequently ask me around for “a cuppa and to fix the ‘phone”. ‘Magic Madge’ they call me.
You also require someone with good old-fashioned Aussie people skills. Well, I’m President of the local CWA and have been active on the Timbuctta Show committee for many years. I find that a tray of lamingtons and a smile opens most doors.
I’m a bit of a lateral thinker too. I’ve organized all the properties in our Shire with a system of smoke signals that we use when the phones are down. We’re getting quite good at it. Last week Florence Jackson went into a diabetic coma and her five-year-old son, Kenneth, set fire to his rabbit hutch with a couple of gallons of petrol and using the horse’s blanket managed to send up the SOS signal we have all agreed upon.

There was stroke of luck to it though. By the time little Kenneth moved his rabbit into another cage and caught the horse his Mum was three parts gone. Fortunately the Flying Doctor was in the area and recognized the puffs of smoke so Florrie will probably be ok.
As soon as the hospital’s phones are back online I’ll ring and see how she’s going and Kenny’s burns are healing. We hope to have their house rebuilt by the time they get home.
I think I can also do something for your ‘bottom line’. I hope that’s the appropriate term and I’m not being rude. I often have to call my husband, Bruce, on his mobile when he is out on his tractor. Even though he may only be a few hundred metres away, the call apparently goes via transponders in Bogga Bogga and Plunky Creek, then two satellites and a space station before it reaches him several seconds later. It’s like talking to an astronaut on the Moon or Mars. And it costs five dollars a minute! What a turn off. I reckon if you provided a simpler, better and cheaper service then more people would use it and you’d make more money anyway.
Speaking of money, I don’t work cheap. Bruce and I work about 80 hours a week, 364 days a year (we like to have Christmas Day with our 11 kids and 23 grandchildren). Last financial year we cleared about $42,000. That’s about $5 an hour! So you see, we’re on a pretty good wicket here. I don’t know what your paying the bloke your trying to get rid of but I want to make it quite plain that I won’t work for anything less that I’m earning now. After all if you give me this job I’ll have to employ Sam next door to do the shearing, mustering, fencing etc in my place.
Anyway I’d better finish there. I still have to fix the pump and break in that new horse before cooking the dinner. Let me know if you’d like to interview me. You might have to come here though. It’s lambing season coming up and I’ll find it hard to get away. Give me a ring if the phones working and I’ll explain how to get here.
If you can’t get through on the phone then drive a couple of Ks out of UTW and start a fire. Send up three big puffs and two little one’s and I’ll come and pick you up.

Yours,
Madge Johnson

Thank you Madge. We’ll pass on your application to the Minister for Telecommunications. We might do it via the 100% publically owned postal service though, rather than by fax.
A KPMG audit found that Australia Post delivered 98.9 per cent of letters early, on time or within one day of its service performance commitment.
The recently leaked, secret Telstra report admitted 14% of telephone lines are faulty.